An Opinion Piece by A.S. Winters

I am an impulsive person. 

That is simply a fact that cannot be denied. Currently, it’s as much a truth of life as taxes and death are. I do things impulsively. On a whim. Not because I’m blatantly reckless–I don’t know many people who are, frankly–but because I struggle with ADHD, and all that it entails. Now, this isn’t to say that I don’t care about other people’s wants or needs; I most certainly do. However, when my impulsive side takes over, it’s as though nothing else exists. Almost as though I am being put in a zombie-like stupor, or as if I’m in some strange dream that I have no control over. 

But you do have control, Lydia, I hear you saying. And I get it. Really, I do. After all, you’d think that a twenty-one-year-old would be able to have some semblance of self-restraint and not purchase everything they want to buy, or eat everything they want to eat.

Not me, sadly. 

Now, in many other aspects of my life, I would consider myself to be pretty responsible. For example, I’m good at planning for my future career. I have a job, and have had other jobs before. I was able to maintain a pretty healthy three-year relationship, before we realised we were incompatible and parted ways. I love making lists. I should be, by nature, a responsible person –yet, somehow, I’m not. 

It’s as though something comes over me, as I said earlier. Sort of Jekyll-and-Hyde style, if you’d like. I don’t feel in control, and to be honest, I’m tired of it. My impulsivity is not a silly goofy quirk, and my ADHD is not my superpower; there are days where I’d argue it’s my kryptonite. There are lots of downsides of having ADHD.

Take my time management issues as an example. I’m often late to things, and I underestimate how long tasks will take. This often puts me in awkward spots and difficult situations. I struggle a lot with deadlines. Fortunately, my university are understanding about it, but I still get frustrated with myself nonetheless, and feel guilty about these struggles. 

Then there’s my memory issues. I forget where I’ve put things, important things, like my phone, my keys, my purse. I also forget about important things. I recently forgot that I was supposed to be called about a job interview, and missed the call and therefore the job opportunity. It also means I occasionally let people down, which I understandably also feel guilty about. 

Don’t forget my impulsivity, which I mentioned above. I think it’s possibly the worst trait, because it leads to a lack of self-control that’s had quite a few consequences on me-past, present and possibly future. I eat what I want, so now I’ve gained weight, to the point where it is impacting my physical and mental health. I impulsively overspend, which means I’m in debt, and impulsively overcommit, which means I’m exhausted. 

That said, there are a few saving graces of having ADHD. It’s perhaps becoming cliché to say, but because of my ADHD, I have a unique perspective on life. I also have a great imagination, and I am very imaginative and flexible. As a result, I have flourished in making unique and engaging lessons for my students as a tutor, and in my writing. 

Even so, ADHD is not my superpower, and that’s okay. It’s a part of who I am, and I have no doubt that I wouldn’t be me without it. Yet, it’s incredibly frustrating to deal with, and it impacts my education, finances, work, relationships. Everything. It’s really exhausting. 

If ADHD is your superpower, that’s great! But for me, it isn’t, and there is no shame in that. I won’t sanitise my ADHD or make it out to be an amazing thing. It makes me impulsive, selfish and inconsiderate. It also makes me creative, funny and good at making connections other people wouldn’t. These two things can and do co-exist. ADHD is very disabling for some people, myself included, and as a society, we need to respect and understand that.

My ADHD is both a blessing and a curse-and I’ve come to terms with that now. That’s a form of self-acceptance in of itself than is important to acknowledge. 

Just remember, it’s okay not to love your disabilities or neurodivergencies. They’re considered difficult for a reason, at the end of the day. If you have ADHD and it doesn’t feel like your superpower either, know that you’re not alone. There’s others out there, and we welcome your perspective too, and welcome you with open arms.

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